Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
