I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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