tell your sister to shave her snatch
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
