my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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