I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
