did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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