I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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