I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
