he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
