when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I need a burrito and a hug.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
