i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Randomize
