i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
