Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
