I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
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i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
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