I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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