After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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