There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Randomize
