Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
