Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I think a kid would responsible me up
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
