My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
