This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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