i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
