i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
