Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Randomize
