do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
I've blown a few things in my day
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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