if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
