My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
