I wish I could teleport
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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