My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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