if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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