the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
