I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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