I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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