I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
