Cold hands, warm shart.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
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