My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
