you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
