If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
