Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize