Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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