tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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