you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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