glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
a search helicopter?!
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
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