So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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