I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
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