I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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