So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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