she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
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