So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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