Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
