i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
