I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
