Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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