From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
