I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
