so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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