The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
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