Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
